March 29, Y2k-1

by special guest writer:
journalist “x”

Up here in Toronto, Ontario, it looks like the fair Spring has finally started to make a bit of an appearance.  Even though I still trudged outside in my wool winter coat and a scarf around my neck, others felt more inclined to shed several layers and enjoy the bright sun.  And as there is every spring, a few daring souls who decided it was somehow appropriate to wear shorts... and [shudder] bare feet.

Why I shudder, you ask? Because this represents the worst part of the otherwise welcome weather.  Now I will be exposed to more... and more.... pairs of feet.

I hate feet.  I think they are the most disgusting part of the human body.  Even the prettiest, cleanest pair repulses me.  And believe me, most people do not have the prettiest, cleanest feet.  Feet seem to have the largest variation of looks in the human species.  Give or take some variety in skin colour, hairiness, and amount of fat, most peoples’ legs, arms, and hands have more or less the same basic shape.  But not feet.  For some reason the genetic code has allowed folks to have the widest spectrum of combinations foot length, foot width, and toe size.  Long skinny toes are the worst.  And feet, when exposed to the world, get dirty and smell bad.  Not to mention that their duty of ambulating the body lends them vulnerable to blisters, calluses, corns, and warts.  How sophisticated can you look when part of you is grimy, worn, and filthy looking?

I just can't comprehend how so many love to show their ugly, gross feet to their world, even when the temperature is barely above 10 degrees.  How many people have you seen who look very attractive until your eyes notice how their middle toe is an inch longer than their big toe?  Not only do feet get cold easily, but also they are vulnerable to heavy falling objects.  Plus the fact that they often encase their feet into Birkenstocks, the ugliest shoes ever made, or Tevas, which are slightly better looking but make the world's ugliest tan lines.  I know socks in Birkenstocks is a fashion faux-pas, but Thank God, I say, at least I don't have to see their feet.  I won't even delve into the people who have feet fetishes.  All I can say is, sick sick sick.

So as summer approaches, be considerate of others, and keep your feet covered and modest.  I will gladly shake your hand in thanks.  I'll be easy to find... I'm the one wearing Doc Marten boots when it's 40 degrees outside.